Nobel Driving

When I was 16-years-old, I received my driver’s license, on my second attempt. Being headstrong and conceited, I wanted to show off my prowess behind the wheel and I drove my mom’s car fast, reckless, and erratic. Pedestrians and other drivers were terrified, except for the few knuckleheads who, like me, mistook foolishness for power and strength.

I continued my wanton ways, knowing in my feckless heart that my judgement was better than the established lawmakers and traffic regulators. Many others feared a tragic and destructive end to my selfish story. The townspeople cowered in their carports, not wanting to venture out into the street lest I appear in their rear-view mirror, my wind-whipped mane waving like a speedway banner out the window of Mom’s ’68 American Eagle.

I continued to drive wild, much to the chagrin of the police, judges, my parents, and unsuspecting townsfolk. If they objected, I called them names and revved my engine, which was a very large engine, let me assure you.

Not long into my reign of terror, the province carried through on a long-planned and much-awaited change to the traffic laws. The speed limit on the nearby TransCanada highway was increased from 60 MPH to 70.

“See!” I crowed proudly, sailing downwind on this fortuitous but tainted breeze. “I told you those restrictive speed limits were no good. If it wasn’t for my¬†bold actions, challenging the established norms and imposing my superior will, we would never have achieved this historic milestone! The province has ME to thank.”

“Here! Here! Do a burnout!” cried the adoring crowd, who now looked at me with new respect as I thundered by, 50 MPH in a school zone, Deep Purple thumping in a “Hail to the Chief” kind of way. The people cheered like had never been heard before in the history of hearing as I displayed my impressive skill, swerving smoothly to avoid a careless child and crossing guard. What were they doing on the street? SAD!

Following a groundswell grassroots campaign, I was nominated for and awarded the National Driving Award. Speeding down the TransCanada on the way to the presentation ceremony, I lost control and sideswiped a busload of my supporters. The Eagle landed upside down in the ditch and while no one on the bus was injured, they all had to have their heads examined, this I can tell you.