The Daily Rapture — Wrap Party

 

 

Here’s the CONCLUSION to the short-lived but lively as a rodeo-clown-with-diarrhea three-part series, “The Daily Rapture”.

Q: WHY, not-so-anonymous ghostwriter Toews (if that’s even your real name—sounds made-up)… why did you take the time to grind out this spotte-fest? Why bother? Do you have a shit-disturber disorder? What skin have YOU got in this game?

PREFACE: Not long ago I happened to catch a TV show featuring an interview with an evangelical fellow who claimed to have been to Christian heaven and back. Okay… He was taking on-air questions and hawking the vanity press best-seller “he” had authored. Right…
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Did I want to reach in through the television set and pinch his money-grubbing snout in a rhetorical way? Yes. Yes, I did, brothers and sisters.

This evangelical-du-jour went into great detail about THE RAPTURE and I found it comically similar—minus the F-bombs, weed, and gross sex jokes—to Seth Rogan’s over-the-top apocalyptic movie, “This is the End”. It is hilarious, and telling, that the evangelical, super-uber-earnest, book-flogger dude and Seth Rogan’s druggy, Hollywood religio-romp came down about the same on the facts and figures of the big ol’ round-up in the sky, the tribulation, and to a degree, heaven.

How many evangelicals would allow their children or grandchildren or those in their care with a less-than-adult ability to discern between fact and folly to watch an apocalyptic movie like “This is the End”? N-O-N-E, with a capital kliewe de, that’s how many. It is worth noting too that Rogan & co-producer Evan Goldberg created their film for mentally fit adults only.

Remember, many of these same end-time extremist folks* prohibited kids from watching “The Simpsons”, and yet, they force-feed the horrors of the rapture to unqualified, unfit audiences without care or compunction. 

*Spot them dancing “Gangnum Style” at Sunday morning services. “Put yo hands in the AY-YAH!”

pt hat

So, with that as the groundwork, here is some other bitchiness I am seeking to vent:

  1. Why was this rapture business not a big deal when I was a kid? I grew up in a God-fearing town, where Die Owlah’s vengeful nature was known and preached with some regularity—in homes and from the pulpit. Sure, there were some “end times” conversations and we all knew “Revelations” was not bedtime story material unless maybe your dad was the Marquis de Sade… But, other than that, the RAPTURE was not common fare among the religious set, within whose margins (and abodes, sometimes) I resided. I don’t know much about the growth of evangelical influence in respect of rapture preaching within Steinbach churches, but something tells me that the correlation factor would be high. For me, at age seven years (1962), when my Grandma Toews led me to Jesus’s warm embrace, I can guaran-damn-tee you I would not have gone if that rapture shiet was being tossed around like a live grenade! No way. Even back then, my trusty bullshit barometer would have been at ELEVEN on a scale of ten.
  2. The Snake Oil Factor. Why, with any caricature in the wide world to choose from, would I have created a Main Character with the persona of the Hee-Haw host? (Minus the gitar-pickin’ skills.) Why not pattern “Pastor T” after a solemn student of scripture, an academic, ecclesiastical show-jumper with a pedigree a Molotschnan mile long? Eh? Well, I just felt like the rapture is more suited to the big-lunged revival tent gang: “COME TO THE FRONT, BROTHERS AND SISTERS… COME TO THE FRONT AND REPENT… THE BUSES WILL WAIT… COME TO THE FRONT! (We take VISA!)” You know the type.
  3. The “Of Mice and Men” factor… As I alluded to in the third installment (“The Daily Rapture — Act Three”) I find it cruel and irresponsible to put a child or any person of diminished intellectual or emotional capacity in the line of rapture fire. What will the rapture message do to a person deep in the throes of depression? How will thoughts of the rapture allay despair? To hear that you yourself, or your loved ones, your more-sinful friends, or even just the wide world of random strangers (billions of people, according to a fast Google search) are going to be left behind to suffer the whole mess promised in the good book… Nah! C’mon! If you want to circle dates on the calendar and scare people, pick someone your own size.admit one
  4. You get what you pay for. A problem I have is accepting the transactional nature of some teachings. (If it’s a transaction, where’s the faith?) Okay, in all of life on earth, actions have consequences. Mostly. You let your guard down at the water hole and, BAM! Your ass is grass. See you later, alligator. We are tempered by the harsh reality of physics, chemistry, and “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”—we’re taught that the world will kick your donkey if you’re not careful. Soooo, it follows then that our eternal address must be purchased, cash on the barrelhead, in advance, right? Like insurance or guaranteed seating at a concert? NO, I DON’T THINK IT DOES FOLLOW. I can’t swallow it…can’t believe that this much-promoted eternal entity made of pure light and love and blah-blah-blah is there at the wicket, handing out tickets like a carny huckster. I think the hucksters are the human beings who try to sell us on this tit-for-tat confidence game that the whole rapture biz is based upon.
  5. The people I love have a brain, a big heart, and a firm spine. The misguided few who put up with my pap—especially since I started this whole Toews-prose shake-rattle-and roll in 2015—are people with whom I don’t always agree. They are individual members of a broad, diverse, and eclectic cohort. They are collectively non-collective. While they might not agree with my personal take on the RAPTURE, they probably get why I might have some issues with it and some might even agree with me, at least in part. If they do or if they don’t, I’m certain their eternal fate will not change one bit, because that is my faith. In return, I pledge my friends and relatives my ongoing, unaltered friendship, love, and respect even if I disagree with their rapturous viewpoint. Like the staunchly adversarial disciples of Ford and Chevy, Coke and Pepsi, keto and carbs, etc.—we can disagree and still have a cordial (lite) beer together. And so…
  6. It’s a free country—with one caveat. Everyone should believe as they wish, as long as no one else is harmed. Can this be a rule for religion? Can we agree to curb our fervour at the point where others are involuntarily involved?

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6.1 It’s a free country—not a magic country. I see prayer calls for people in dire straights… I get this and have no complaint—fill yer boots! This action comes out of caring and an honest desire for good; a human reaction to hardship. Empathy. Part of faith that can do no harm. (Well, except for gun violence, where prayer can supplant real, effective action, but that’s another whole case of huckleberries.) Another example: I see prayer calls for a nicer house, a pay raise, or for a certain motorcycle to pop up on the Buy & Sell and I am not impressed. That’s an easy one, right? Many people disavow this kind of shabby, picayune, bent-knee self-serve. I also see directives from influential clergy calling for their congregations to prepare for the rapture by modifying earthly activities as though the rapture was an absolute certainty with a specific date. Hmm. In light of all the prior FAILED FORECASTS, that is magical thinking of the highest order and it may well cause some harm. Harm for whom? The poor, the vulnerable, the marginalized in the flock. Not the preacher—he just pencils in a new rapture date and checks the Buy & Sell for that bike he wants to buy. What I don’t see are prayer calls to re-grow a severed arm or leg. Why not? Because, deep down, even the most devout and the most earnest and the most cynical can all appreciate the difference between faith and magic.

LAST: We are already in a period of rapture, with nature, if only we would recognize it and stop screwing it up.

“God doesn’t need to come down upon a mountain, for the mountain itself is the revelation. We only have to look at it and we will know how we should live.”-—John Moriarty

Disclaimer: No bonnets were harmed in the making of this spotte. The use of the phrase, “The Daily…” is purely random and coincidental and bears no relation, resemblance, derivation, kinship, or sheep’s clothing from any other internet phenomenon, past or present. It does represent admiration and writerly puppy-love of the non-Ewww! kind.
Spotte (schput): To deride, scorn, mock, scoff…

The Daily Rapture — Act Three

By Pastor T, with @metgohnaJake

A serialized peek at Pastor T’s mailbag as he answers questions about the rapture.

I Thessalonians 4 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be suddenly caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will always be with the Lord.

Editing and curation by @metgohnaJake in a hovel, near a place of strong drink and non-domestic tobacco, far from salvation, somewhere in Macedonia. @metgohnaJake is a former marketer and tends to see the world in a cynical way, where every act is specious performance and all players have ulterior motives and all motives are self-serving. He learned this while making rich people richer, so we can’t really blame him, despise him though we might for his complicity in Pastor T’s snakey-eyed activities.

In each episode, Pastor T will address reader questions about the rapture. Pastor T has, he informs us, had the good fortune to ascend into heaven on a day pass and discuss the matter with the powers that be and so is qualified, ordained you might say, to speak on the matter. 

pt hat

Pastor T is just as qualified to speak on the rapture as any other person on Earth. No one can say differently, and make it stick.—Pastor T

Q: Pastor T, you can call me Holthacka Hank. I’m a school Principal and a church member. I love horses and pickleball. (Don’t test my backhand!) I remember being disturbed, terrified as a matter of fact, by the Easter story. We went to our neighbours for an “Easter egg hunt” that turned out to be a two-hour resurrection camp with no snacks, but plenty of visual aids. At one point, we were handed six-inch spikes, “like the ones used to nail Christ to the cross…”

That 1965 Easter story was offered as history. Not the impending future. It was violent and binary—non-Christians committed horrific acts of cruelty, Christians heroes with rock star hair, athletic builds, blue eyes, and cool sandals suffered their pain with the stoicism of John Wayne and the steely bearing of Davey Keon. But the Easter story did offer HOPE and it spoke of a future that would be better.

So, that leads—I hope—to my question: Should children be exposed to the prophecy of the rapture? Do they have the capacity to process the dire forecasts without spiralling into a frightening world of fear and depression?

Likewise, what about those with decreased mental ability? Both those who have been diagnosed and also those who, like most, suffer unknown and untreated. A person close to me used to receive communications through the doorbell and would have me disconnect it so that we could have “a private conversation…” Those with mental and emotional disorders may not have the resilience or the discernment required to manage images of end times and all of the stone age violence promised in the rapture narrative. 

What wisdom can you bring to this discussion, Pastor T?

A: They warned us about you secular humanists. How’s about I warm my feet by the bonfire of your books of iniquity? How ’bout that? And you know what else? Well, we’re just gonna shut today’s chat down—that’s what! So why don’t you all just go listen to NPR or CNN or whatever it is you do!

a storm
A stormy day in the heavens

[Dull thump, like a microphone, falling onto the stage floor…]

“@metgohnaJake! Wind this’ere clambake down. And we gonna have us a discussion about filters and pre-screening and the like. You read me, Jake?”

“Sure do, Pastor T. Say, why don’t you just mosey on down to your dressing room while I tell the folks about our specials and bonus offers!”

[Heavy footsteps recede… a door slams like a gunshot… muffled cursing. Silence.]

“Well, seems like we broke the fourth wall there. Don’t worry, a little Vitamin W (the kind distilled in Gimli… in a bottle…) and he’ll be right as rain.”

“Holthacka Hank did raise some points though. What are the consequences for children and those unequipped to manage the extremism at the core of the rapturist vision? I know even I sometimes struggle and I’m considered uncommonly stable. I’d call myself a “very stable genius,” in fact, but that monicker is protected by copyright.”

[@metgohnaJake dallies at centre stage. A tight spotlight opens on him, and he looks up.]

“Think of two children, two earnest friends, each making a list: Those who will rise up into the clouds and those left behind. And then, like Vladimir and Estragon swapping hats, they exchange lists and each finds themself excluded from the other’s roll. Then what? A life of desperate piety to make the grade? Or a life of wanton abandon, because, well, why not? Party on, dood! Either way—both ways—lives of fear, jealousy, hatred, rancour, and doubt.”

[@metgohnaJake, walking offstage, a bag of promotional goods—travel mugs, bible covers, lip balm—drags along behind him like a dragon’s tail. He stops and in a Napoleonic voice that projects to the back of the now-empty hall, pronounces, “all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”]

Spotte (schput): To deride, scorn, mock, scoff…

 

The Daily Rapture — Part Two

By Pastor T, with @metgohnaJake

A serialized peek at Pastor T’s mailbag as he answers questions about the rapture.

I Thessalonians 4 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be suddenly caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will always be with the Lord.

Editing and curation by @metgohnaJake in a hovel, near a place of strong drink and non-domestic tobacco, far from salvation, somewhere in Macedonia. @metgohnaJake is a former marketer and tends to see the world in a cynical way, where every act is specious performance and all players have ulterior motives and all motives are self-serving. He learned this while making rich people richer, so we can’t really blame him, despise him though we might for his complicity in Pastor T’s snakey-eyed activities.

In each episode, Pastor T will address reader questions about the rapture. Pastor T has, he informs us, had the good fortune to ascend into heaven on a day pass and discuss the matter with the powers that be and so is qualified, ordained you might say, to speak on the matter. 

pt hat

Pastor T is just as qualified to speak on the rapture as any other person on Earth. No one can say differently, and make it stick.—Pastor T

Q: Pastor T, I have 1,450 golf balls in my garage. Will they be assumed along with me?

A: Ernie? Ernie, is that you? Well, if it is you, Ernie… Well, les’ jus’ say I’d be worried more about the golfer and less about the balls if ya know what I mean. Catch m’ drift, so to speak? Also, the way you golf, those balls will soon enough all be sliced off into the rough. Right Ernie? Har! With the Earth spinning at 1000 MPH, there’s gonna be a lotta fellers with the shanks during the Tribulation, am I right?

Q: Good one, Pastor T. Seriously, though: Where can I get a Pastor T hat?

A: @metgohnaJake here, with some good news. This week, we have a special on all size 8-1/8 and larger. So, all you giant-meloned rapturists, rise up (see what I did there?) and GET YOUR LID ON!

pt hatpt hatpt hat

Pastor T Rapture Hats are carbon fibre-lined (for ceiling impact protection) and for just $9.95, we’ll monogram it with your personal Christian initials! See our Etsy site, The Rapturists’ Rummage Sale!

Q: Pastor T, will those Kosher hot dogs from Costco be available up in the clouds?

A: Well, I reckon if they ain’t, I may jus’ decide to play some golf down’ere with Ernie the Welcher… Just joshin’ of course. The answer is yes. We gotta eat, so pack some napkins, on accounta, them dogs is JUICY!

hot dog rapture

Q: Pastor T, will the rapture include all races? Asking for a racist neighbour, two nativists, and three Republican Senators. (Not those ones—the original ones from ancient Rome.) And a back-up question… Will the rapture be an open carry zone?

A: I’ll answer this double-barrelled question in our next installment. Be sure to tune in when we do a deep dive into WRATH! (Like Twix Bars, every rapturist’s secret delight.)

Ernie writes: Dear “Pastor” T. (If yer a Pastor, I’m on the PGA Tour.) Another thing, of a theologial nature: you can’t say, “I don’t take nothin’ worse than a five… six is an unholy number,” when we is bettin’ real money on the game. Not cool T, not cool.

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We voted. Again. You’re OUT. Again.  You may get raptured, but you’re outta the foursome, just like you were April 24-25, 1982… Sept 11-13, 1988… Oct. 28, 1992… Jan 1, 2000… April 17, 2008. But, April 23, 2020, is absolutely the date—for sure!”

.

Harold C. says, “Hey!”

 

Spotte (schput): To deride, scorn, mock, scoff…

 

The Daily Rapture

By Pastor T, with @metgohnaJake

A serialized peek at Pastor T’s mailbag as he answers questions about the rapture.

I Thessalonians 4 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be suddenly caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will always be with the Lord.

Editing and curation by @metgohnaJake in a hovel, near a place of strong drink and non-domestic tobacco, far from salvation, somewhere in Macedonia. @metgohnaJake is a former marketer and tends to see the world in a cynical way, where every act is specious performance and all players have ulterior motives and all motives are self-serving. He learned this while making rich people richer, so we can’t really blame him, despise him though we might for his complicity in Pastor T’s snakey-eyed activities.

In each episode, Pastor T will address reader questions about the rapture. Pastor T has, he informs us, had the good fortune to ascend into heaven on a day pass and discuss the matter with the powers that be and so is qualified, ordained you might say, to speak on the matter. 

pt hat

Pastor T is just as qualified to speak on the rapture as any other person on Earth. No one can say differently, and make it stick.—Pastor T

Q: Pastor T, who exactly did you speak to on your journey to the hereafter?

A: Fellow sinner, I was able to speak to the Acting Head of Rapture Education. He was a soft-spoken gentleman with a BTh from a fine Canadian institution of higher learning. He got hisself pre-raptured during a mink farming accident in the Sixties.

Q: Follow up—was he a Macedonian, Pastor T?

A: No, a Funk, from S.E. Manitoba. Next question, please, @metgohnaJake…

@metgohnaJake: Incidentally, Pastor T has asked me to tell our readers about today’s COZY 60% off BLOW-OUT sale!

tea cozey
Use of tea-cozies as support undergarments, male or female, voids warranty*.

It’s a prayer tea-cozy, specially made of synthetic mink fur and available in three rapture grades of luxuriousness: Cumulus, Altocumulus, and Ultra-Luxurious Cirrocumulus! Shipping is free on orders of three or more.  Now, back to our mailbag!

Q: Will my border collie be raptured, Pastor T?

A: [dead air…dead air…dead air…] Sinner, you have to ask herself three important questions: Does your dog bark? Does your dog bite? Does your dog shed? The rapture ain’t twitter, so not every dog is welcome.

Q: Boxers or briefs, Pastor T? #swiperightsarah

A: I’m glad you asked, sinner… @metgohnaJake, perhaps you’d like to take this one?

@metgohnaJake: Sure, PT! How about a pair of our famous ASS-cendant boxers? In three sinner-sizes!

boxers
Sizes: Skinny Cow, Fat Cow, Mad Cow

Q: Will the Raptures win the NBA Championship?

A: Yes. Yes, sinner, they will.

@metgohnaJake: That’s all for today’s Daily Rapture. Tune in again soon to get the answers to important questions like:

Q: Pastor T, the Gulf War… I guess that was actually just, like, the warm-up band?

Q: Pastor T, what does the T stand for? #swiperightsarah

Q: Pastor T, Millennial Kingdom or Millennium Falcon—which is faster?

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*May cause dizziness, hives, and anal discharge. Do not use if allergic to synthetic mink fur.