Copyright Mitchell Toews ©2016

11.13.16 – I have decided to submit this flash – satire – fantasy – historical fiction partridge in a pear tree to a literary journal. In respect of that submission, I have removed the main body of the story here and left an excerpt.

Thanks to those who offered opinions.

I will post a link to the published version if and when that happens. Polls indicate almost no chance of that happening; however…

Glass Half Empty

By Mitchell Toews

In 1935, a successful German immigrant, businessman Friedrich Rook, commissioned a history to be written about his life and times. Mr. Otto Brechtzeit was the Seattle agent hired to assemble a team to create this biography. Here is one day in Mr. Brechtzeit’s prosecution of that task.

THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME, Mr. Brechtzeit. Let me just say, to start with, that in the occupation of narrator, we beer steins have not made ourselves well known. Still, I believe in the American dream and feel that, despite certain disadvantages having to do with my being an inanimate object, I deserve a fair chance.

Yes, I have credentials. As I stated in my letter of application dated October 5, 1935, I was employed during the period in question – 1885 – by the Sommerfelder Bar in Puyallup, in the then-unincorporated Territory of Washington.

I am a beer stein and I was used to convey cold beer, an alcoholic beverage made out of grain, yeast, hops and water.

It is flavourful, I agree and no, due to the non-porous nature of my body, I do not absorb sufficient amounts in order to become inebriated. I am in no way an alcoholic, sir. Nor am I a teetotaller — I still enjoy allowing the suds to soak in around my rim and the salt from the imbibers’ lips is also delicious.

What? Oh, sorry – the salt is from the pretzels. Yes the pretzel salt is quite zesty. I believe the salt is from Utah. Yes, it is washed away – sometimes more than once a day. It is washed away in the way all residue is, with soap and warm water. Alright, I hope that answers your questions about the salt – that’s a lot of questions about salt.

What makes me the best candidate for the job? Well, Mr. Brechtzeit, that is a most central question…

*SNIP*

allfornow – mitch
mitchellaneous.com