The Top Sixty Over Sixty

Posted on by Mitchell Toews

ON BEHALF OF CPP EARLY ADOPTERS everywhere, please be advised that the Top 60 Over 60 Contest is now underway at Jessica Lake.

“Why is it always the top 40 under 40, or younger? Life’s not a sprint — or, at least, I hope it isn’t.”        – Myron Feeblecorn, contest aspirant and pickerel fisher

SIDEBAR: You know, I wouldn’t mind being of a certain, dignified age if I was a reckless transgressive writer of high calibre; or a gracefully aging female with nice Clairol ad gray hair; or maybe a rugged, outdoorsy man’s man with a toni saltnpepper coiffure and a washboard belly – gay to the nads. They just seem more interesting – not to the table of old guys at Tim Horton’s maybe – but in the current pop culture geist, where I swim my literary laps.

More news on the contest later. No, not after my nap, you mewling pipsqueak! I’m just going to rest my eyes.

Anyway, to gauge the quality of the field, please submit an eight-year-old, professionally photoshopped head shot, a 140-character bio*, and a recent dental record. Myron’s is in and lemme tell ya, he’s pretty swert. (He might even be, you know, fishin’ with two lines…)

* Comic sans, triple space, indent paragraphs, colored 14 or greater font and pictures of your grandchildren.

– allfornow – Mitch

The Blog Post I Always Wanted to Write

Posted on by Mitchell Toews

As a high-functioning anonymist, I sent this note to two of my low-brow friends. OK, I am low-brow; they are actually quite cultured. I liked it and wanted to share it with other friends — any brow will do — and so, here it is.

“Hey,

Greetings from the most beautiful place on earth. Jan and I love life, BUT, we are old and we are working too hard. We are almost done — then we can revert to being lazy sloths!

Cheers to slothdom.

So…you two and various cousins and friends from the Stein (for whom I have no email addresses) are my imaginary audience when I write my shitty little stories. (Oh no — am I over-selling?) Anyway, I have a blog.

Highly writerly. Although there is little ennui. A definite lack of ennui. Some angst. A bit of introspection. But mostly Mennonite guys blowing stuff up and putting it on YouTube.

You, as my imaginary audience, should be my literal audience, I reckon. If you don’t like it, you can revert to the imaginary.

My Blog is called Flies in the Outhouse. NO, WAIT — that’s my soon-to-be-a-major-motion-picture life story.

My blog is just called Mitchell Toews. http://bit.ly/MitchellToewsBLOG

Snip: I recently registered mitchellaneous.com

I have nine stories accepted to lit journals; eight published and one undergoing some edits. <he spits, derisively>

In other news, we had wieners & beans last night. I had three wieners and no regrets. THAT is the kinda guy I have become, Goddammit! Writerly like crazy.

We should have a fall event. Daaaaave?

allfornow – m

P.S. – I admit I had to look up how to spell ennui. BTW, I hope Satan is not bothering you too much, now that you have the gays in Steinbach.

Yours, in ennui,

which is rather risky,

Sincerely,

Mitchy”

 (Always close with a poem. Tres writerly.)

Copyright Mitchell Toews ©2016